Remember, Remember, the 5th of November

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

'There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from

embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.'

Growing up, my family and friends used to sing these words from Ecclesiastes as Bonfire Night was drawing near. For those unsure about what Bonfire Night is, it is on the 5th November every year and it is a day to remember the execution of a man called Guy Fawkes. Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up Westminster Parliament in 1605 and was captured and placed on top of a fire to burn. It is now tradition to go to a bonfire and watch fireworks being set off to celebrate this day - the day Parliament wasn't blown up and the day Guy Fawkes was executed. As I write this, it strikes me what a strange practice this is!

The saying goes, 'Remember, remember the 5th of November...'

Fast forward to 5th of November 2021, a date I will never forget. In the early hours of the morning my wife woke me up to ask if her face was yellow and I could see that it was. I took her to the local injuries where we were told that she needed to be taken to hospital immediately and there would be a surgeon waiting. We discovered that the yellowing of her skin was Jaundice and the screaming in pain was Acute Pancreatitis caused by Gallstones that she had previously been unaware of. By this point, we had a 3 month old at home which meant that I went from being a full-time Associate Pastor to a full-time Stay-at-Home Dad on leave from work.

Over the next month, my faith was challenged in so many ways, whether that was my wife's consistent reliance on God to either heal her physically (either by recovery or by taking her home). By this point, I had already received some incredible tools from a previous counsellor to help with my Anxiety, so I knew I was equipped to know how to compartmentalise and respond to potential triggers but what I hadn't realised was that these tools were about controlling how I handled and dealt with a situation, however, my wife's health was completely out of my control and got worse before it got better and, therefore, so did my Anxiety. Constant text messages such as 'Do you have an update?' and even 'We are thinking of you.' became more and more irritating - albeit the senders intentions were pure.

Each night, I would take my son Micah out in the car and go for a drive. I would drive around the surrounding area to clear my mind and listen to Christian music. One night I was out and I remember the words I would sing before God when I was younger - 'God, you give and take away, but my heart will chose to say - Blessed be Your Name'. My anxiety, fear, and disbelief contradicted this. Something had to change. I was grieving and petitioning for my wife's life - 'God save my Wife', whereas from my wife was saying 'If it is your will!' Amazing faith!

As I journeyed through this time of my wife being in hospital and after countless car journeys, bath-tub petitions and visits to the hospital, I found peace. There was grace in the grief. There was peace in the panic. There was my God, standing with me!

Before all of this, at the beginning of the Coronavirus Pandemic, my wife and I wrote a song about John 16:33 'I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.' As I was holding onto my Father, knowing that there may have been the potential that I was going to become a single Father and standing in my kitchen with my son in his bouncer, I kept singing and singing and singing the words of a popular Christian song:

'I raise a hallelujah

With everything inside of me

I raise a hallelujah

I will watch the darkness flee

I raise a hallelujah

In the middle of the mystery

I raise a hallelujah

Fear, you lost your hold on me

I'm gonna sing in the middle of the storm

Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar

Up from the ashes hope will arise

Death is defeated, the King is alive'

Amy Carmichael said "GOD is the God of the waves and the billows, and they are still His when they come over us; again and again we have proved that the overwhelming thing does not overwhelm. Once more by His interposition deliverance came. We were cast down, but not destroyed."

Now, every November and all the future 5th of Novembers to come I will remember, remember... that God is Sovereign above every situation I will face, God is Sovereign above the pain that I may feel, God is Sovereign above the 'terror by night, [...] the arrow that flies by day, [...] the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, [and] the destruction that lays waste at noonday.' (Psalm 91)

My Father, by his Spirit, is with me through all of these things. I have found the Providence of God in my suffering. I have found that there is Grace within the Grief. That there is Peace within the Panic.